I think everyone of us is afraid of the light, when we really think we are afraid of the dark.

The false self is a strange man. He wears all of our masks upon his face. Yet he is a more convincing imposter than my real self could ever be. And I can play a pretty convincing pirate.

 The false self convinced me I was a different person than I was. As I told one of my best friends earlier, I pulled an Inception on myself. Everyone watched. Yet no one got the plot or applauded at the end. I couldn't even eat the stale popcorn on the theater floor afterwards. I merely played a story that was interesting but unresolved. I tricked everyone including myself into believing my fake reality was reality. Some said it was fun to watch, normally when I got hurt and didn't get mad at God. Yet they were usually just being nice because they still went home and thought about Breaking Bad and the doorknob that sticks rather than me. They didn't really like the story. Well, enough to watch it twice.

Happiness - The Fray

Rather than spinning a little top to see if I am living a lie, I've been turning to the Word of God. Sometimes I think 90% of the people who read what I write walk away when they read "Word of God." Posers. That's ok, I use fancier christian words sometimes. If people are afraid of big words, they will be afraid of me, or just tune out and think about money.

There is a verse in that dusty fabled book of old. Some people crack it open once a year, I am learning I need to once a minute. Ephesians says "For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light." I mean there are probably many other verses. Like a million of them. This one though talks about how we were once darkness.

Inception is a movie that intrigues me because it is about what happens when we fall asleep. Most of us place a natural and ruthless trust in reality. When I watch Braveheart I usually feel good inside. When I eat Lava Sauce at Taco Bell, I usually feel bad inside. Yet happy. That is reality if I have ever seen it. You can try to deny it but you will probably have to buy new clothes.

 Sometimes I sleep and there is a long-lost beautiful blonde haired girl who says she likes me and how I look and that I have too much stubble for just one day but that doesn't make me a terrible person. Sometimes I sleep and old friends and old fathers long passed embrace me, tell me that the journey didn't end with them, it began. Sometimes dreams are such intimate and emotional rollercoasters. I will never forget one dream I had years ago where a girl I had liked for a long time was getting married to the wrong man. We held each other as she and I wept. We knew that it was in too deep. It was the end. I woke up wondering why that dream shook me so much to my core. In fact my dreams often feel more real than life itself because the happiness is so raw and strong, the reconciliation of the past is so tangible, the hurt is so real. I will also never forget a dream where I was Spider-Man and I remember bricks and dynamite and possibly I was also Bruce Willis. I will cherish that.

Dreams invite us into this new and overwhelming reality that offers emotions, sights and sounds, the ability to fly.

Yet then I wake up. Sweaty. And sad.

Dreams are nice. It can feel good just to feel. In a broken cursed world where we watch people get shot on TV and feel a little bit of internal guilt that we are helpless to fight tragedy. When television has numbed our core and smart phones have made our personal relationships dependent on Wi-Fi. Inception asks that question each one of us thought about when we were five, "What if it's all just a dream?" And then we thought we were really smart for confusing ourselves at such a young age when Vanessa the six year old down the block obviously has it all together but has never transcended time and space with her solliqey.
Life is like Inception, we can trick ourselves so much that we forget who we are. That we forget who our real self is. It's hard to wake up from that. Sometimes it takes honesty, sometimes it takes a bucket of water, sometimes it takes looking at a three armed Indian man and thinking "This probably isn't realistic."

It's easy in our own darkness to believe anything. Darkness has no shape. For all I know, when the lights go out, Woody and Buzz do wake up and there is a monster in my closet. That would be nice, Taiwan has few energy drinks. Darkness is a land that can be more familar than light. Light is so hard, it shows us the dirt, the filth, the creepy man in the window with a cleaver. Light is hard. Yet it is beautiful. God tells us to walk in the light. He is light. It's wonderful what light adds to the darkness.

I think everyone of us is afraid of the light, when we really think we are afraid of the dark.

Some masks I wore until recently were quite heavy. To take them off took a brick and Jesus. The brick was a lot less gentle, but neccesary. Now as I look into the light my eyes are burning a little bit like when the lights get turned off after a lan party and it's seven in the morning. I am trying to keep them open as they scream with pain, adjusting to the beauty and glory. Taking in and feasting upon all the sights and beauty of this reality. Some pretty heavy masks are coming off. I'm learning...

I like running.

I like Soccer.

I am meant to speak in front of people, counsel hurting people, marry a sweet lass.

I am meant to be that brave single confrontational voice in the midst of compromise.

I am meant to walk with integrity.

I am meant to be fearless.

I like phones.

I like driving.

Video Games don't really interest me that much outside of the social interaction.

I love the stage, I could live there.

I am not worthless, inferior, weak, or timid.

I am not shy, I am a people person.

Those are the public ones, I have learned that I metaphorically shot the sheriff and killed the deputy when they were trying to help me. I ruined the best relationships in my life, I wasted so much time, I drank bitterness like Starbucks, smiled afterwards, and thought I was doing good. I lived a false self. As he is fading and I see my motives, my problems, the things I did, I am understanding all the more what I have done and who I am. I'm excited to see more of who I'm becoming.

Happiness - The Fray


Happiness was just outside my window
I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour
But happiness is a little more like knocking
On your door, you just let it in


Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone, not for good but for now
And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good


Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks


Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
But happiness has a violent roar


Happiness, it's like the old man told me
Look for it and you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home


Home, she'll be, she'll be, she'll be home
She'll be home, she'll be home, she'll be home
She will be home, she'll be home, she'll be home
She'll be home, she'll be