So awesome!!!! Our old student from SYME got saved at SYME, went to America, and Led his FIRST person to Christ!!!! So wonderful to have been his teacher and see that Paul Lin is becoming such a man. Check that, he IS a man! It's so cool to see fruit like this in ministry. I am excited to see where Paul goes on from here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iWnuZy69MY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sing like nobodies listening

There is something in me that is passive. I am now gathering all my strength to overcome and slay that subtle force. It's strange to hear people say that I am this person on an incredible journey. I am of course 12,000 miles away but I am still deeply intertwined with more issues and passivity then I had ever known. As the weeks have gone on I have started reclaiming my masculine heart. It's a strange thought. In a country where effeminate is more common and I am surrounded by over 30 female 

students I am finding my masculinity. 

"He is jealous for me, love like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me... Ever have one of those cabin fever days where you feel like your chomping at the bit? Nice to know that I loved."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

I am finding my honesty. 

The truth is I could be incredible hollow and put up walls. Yet, I no longer need that. People can judge me as much as they wish but my blinders are down and my heart is free. My heart is opening.

What I'm Learning:

There is this lie in our culture that we are supposed to just suck it up. Be it our christian culture or our even our macho strong man American culture. While there is definitely balance to our past I'm learning that the stings I have from my life are not small nor unimportant. Rather they are wounds that I thought I gave to God yet never really did. I'll be honest…

I was told my voice was awful, so I hate ACTUALLY singing. I usually sing bad to not set myself up for defeat.

I was told I was undependable and that cut deep.

I was told I was a boy, long after I felt like I should be a man. Yet no one bestowed masculinity upon me, they only robbed me of it.

I am afraid of driving. It is a deep rooted fear.

I was molested as a kid. By over 5-8 different people, in many different circumstances.

I was hooked on pornography by age seven.

I was hit sometimes for things that no child should be slapped for.

I have to live with the consequences of a divorce, yet I never really dwelled on how painful and wrong the separation of divorce really is.

I was taken away and forced to live at another house for six months. Technically I was kidnapped and forced to choose between two parents. 

I was often screamed at by alcoholics, forced to go outside, and compared to other children in light of how much better they are.

I was beat up in my neighborhood by Chinese kids, by black kids, by mexican kids, by white kids too. Yet I was a strange victim of racism in the midst of the ghetto.

I had over nine horrible men who took the place of a surrogate father yet were practically the most awful wounding men I can recall. 

I saw the terrible pain of alcoholism, drugs, and such as it tore apart family and friends.

That's the tip of the iceberg, but now I can finally speak it out loud.

For years though… I took all of this. ALL of it. I bore it on myself. I felt it was my cross to bear the child abuse, the addictions forced upon me, the backward living and painful standards. So here I am today finally sticking that key into the rusty shackles that have been cutting into my wrist. I am finally pulling out these weeds. I am becoming a man. I am healing. I am being freed in ways I cannot imagine.

I couldn't admit any of that. It's not public. It's implied. A few people know snippets. Yet I am coming clean, washing myself in honesty. I am breaking the passivity and reclaiming my masculinity and shouting from the mountains and rooftops that what happened to me was…

WRONG.

And that is such a relief to even breath.

I am breaking the silence and I do not want it to be a reflection upon my family or friends. 95% of the time it was not a relative who proclaimed any of this. Rather it is a reflection of the redemptive grace of God.

There is so much more, if anyone cares to know, I will gladly share. Yet what I am really learning is to let go of the pain. To dig deep and uncover all this dirt and filth. In a couple of weeks I will have dug it all up, yet it can be exhausting to record and detail these things. 

I have a new name. God promises that when I get to heaven He has already picked out this white stone with a name so precious I can't hear it until I arrive up there. Sometimes I wonder what it is. Is it big? Is it short?

Jacob the beloved

Jacob the pure,

He who overcame

The beloved son

The funny one

The counselor

2nd Corinthians 1:3-7 says that all of this junk, trash, bad past is used by Christ so that I can comfort others. Bring them alongside and help them heal and be comforted. Oh life is FREAKING BEAUTIFUL! It's gorgeous, I am so excited for now. Instead of tomorrow. For once I'm excited for the now.

Who knows… yet I would be an absolute fool to cling to my old name in light of the identity Christ is offering me. A good old friend once shared with me, Joel 2. God promises that He will restore the years the locusts have eaten and taken away. In my life there are years I lost. I grew up to fast, yet I never grew up at all. I was thrust into this strange child-like stage where I feared things that normally kids get excited about. I grew to hate sports and competition, I lost my killer spirit, I was abandoned, betrayed, and wounded. Yet God is slowly releasing me from that past. It's beautiful! The difference is night and day as I run and exercise, grin and laugh, and embrace the true identity that Christ has given me. It is so wonderful, beautiful, and incredible. 

I AM a child of the King. I am a son of God. I am adopted into the family of the greatest one. I am adopted into the Kingdom of Christ. I am set apart. I am loved more than most people will ever realize, understand, or truly know. I am loved. That to me is wonderful.

Healing...

It wasn't until these last three months I could finally face my past. As I did the large amount of gangrene in my heart and mind presented itself.

When I was a kid things happened that I ignored. Perhaps I cannot share everything but I will say that working through them has taken away things that I thought were deeply rooted in my personality. That in fact were not. Like being an introvert, the fear of man, my hate of phones, my fear of failure, rejection, and relationships. I'm chomping at the bit to tell people, help them heal, and like learn with them. It's been pretty awesome. I'm writing about it but I'm currently rediscovering my masculinity. I am finding I can run without growing weary, I can exercise, I can preach. It's been a pretty awesome time in my life. Alas I am merely expressing, for I cannot put it all into words until after I am done with my healing process. I can say I have a lot to apologize for but even more to not feel sorry about :)

My dearest ferret, I know how much you love the wind and air blowing through your fur. I know you even bought a bike just to join me, but where I am going. You cannot follow. I will be back soon. Until then remember to eat your twizzlers. Do not weep for me, for I will come back a changed and sweaty man. I remember when you were just a little kit. Ride hard in your own backyard, and maybe one day we will head south into the sunset together. 

Always Truly,

The ferret whisperer

Faithfulness

Faithfulness must be followed by more faithfulness, Lou Nicholes wrote about that this week, how being faithful and following God for 20 years doesn't mean you can stop... take a break... get away and stop doing good things. Rather faithfulness in and of itself must remain, continue, and grow.

I am guilty of feeling like I've arrived. Coasting from moment to moment on verses I read far too long ago, sermons I watched too long ago. "Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." - Proverbs 3:7-8. It's funny how I never "Thought" I was wise in my own eyes. Yet I'm learning that all those days I didn't get up early to read the bible, all those times I didn't memorize scripture, all those times I didn't go to church... I was ultimately taking the first fruits of my life from God. God calls us to absolute dependance on Him. Yet I would enable my laziness by justifying "I can do my quiet time at night, because it doesn't make me any more spiritual to do it in the morning." Well, it's not true for everyone but for me...

IT DOES! I enable my laziness, I enable my selfishness, I let video games and TV cloud me in ways I never should have. I am amazed at how much I let slide. How much I rested my laurels on the past and what I had accomplished before. I'm learning that no matter where we're at. It's not about the spirituality of yesterday, the good camp experience, the job you loved, the place you loved. It's about the now and reaching out to the loving and healing arms of our redeemer Christ. That is teaching me so much.

Kari Jobe - Your my healer

VERSE:
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease

PRE-CHORUS:
I trust in You
I trust in You

CHORUS:
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

VERSE:
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease

PRE-CHORUS:
I trust in You
Lord, I trust in You

CHORUS:
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

BRIDGE:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

CHORUS:
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh yes You are, yes You are
I believe You're my portion
Lord, I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need

ENDING:
You're my Healer, my Healer

"If then you have been RAISED with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have DIED, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

-Colossians 3:1-3

ROOTBEER FLOATS!

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