I think the catalyst to my thoughts is
often movies. I watch my thoughts fizz and pop as movies slowly activate the
inner workings of my mind. In the most unlikely of places I found myself
thinking about so much I’ve been learning and working through the last months.
The new Muppets movie has it’s slew of
hilarious and genius moments but underlying it is this innocent relationship
between Jason Segall and Amy Adams. What intrigues me so much about it is that
although it probably was a filler plot element, the very nature of the
relationship was almost cringe inducing to watch. I have been Jason Segal, the
passive and extremely co-dependent male who is slowly suffocating the
relationships in his life with his actions. There is a slow fade as you watch
the relationship exist as an external attachment to Jason’s world, rather then
him including Amy on his journey. Or when he does include Amy he includes
everyone, specifically Walter. I watched and kept seeing stupid things that
Jason did, things that in my now right mind I would never consider or think
about, that I had once done. It was intriguing to think about it.
Now I am sitting here, listening to
the Muppets soundtrack, and thinking about deep things. They seem like they
don’t go hand in hand but I’m thinking about my generation. How I wasn’t fathered
in a way that said “Jake, you can set boundaries. Jake your allowed to say no.”
It’s been refreshing as I find myself refusing things, as I find myself speaking
my mind in ways I wouldn’t have dreamed of even six months ago. I wish, oh how
I wish someone would have just pulled me aside and shaken me and said “Jake
your co-dependent”
I had never heard of it. I see all the
symptoms now as I watch movies, people, friends. I talk to friends about old
relationships and see how passivity is murder to a relationship. That our
generation is full of men who either know how to be to aggressive, or too
passive, but they know not how to treasure a heart. I’ve been told the new
muppets movie is very self-aware. That’s what I’m becoming, able to look and
see the different stupid things I’ve done. Choices that amounted to hurting
people, failure to do enough. It’s not a guilt trip for myself either. I feel
pretty awesome, I’m learning that I am a child of God and as such don’t need to
feel the pain and condemnation that Satan hurls at me. He’s forgotten the
refrain that Jesus Saves, as Shane and Shane put it so well.
Jason is interesting, there is this
moment where Amy says “Ok, what are we going to do tonight?” It’s their
anniversary. And Jason says “I don’t know, what do you want to do? Whatever you
want to do.”
I think in my own desire to love and
help people I used to think that offering the freedom of choice was an act of
love, yet I’m learning that it is enabling me to be passive. A girl doesn’t
want to make every decision, she doesn’t want to create the adventure. I was
particularly struck by that lack of knowing what to do and that hesitation of
Jason in such an important moment in the relationship. A tinge of sadness rose
in me because I have done the same thing, suffocated a heart with my
passiveness and lack of knowing what to do. It reminds me of that oft quoted
military mantra that a leader need not go left, nor right, but he must do
something. I wondered how many men have sat there staring and lacking the
ability to decide. How many men have shunted there own passive nature onto
another person.
Christ has given me so much freedom
these last few months. I acted passive because when I wasn’t passive I got
extremely wounded. Yet I let go of the pain three months ago and now I am
learning more everyday. Turning the flashlight on myself has been one of the
hardest and most painful things I’ve ever done. Yet I am getting better and
that is freeing in and of itself. I no longer fear making decisions, I am able
to fight that passive nature, I am seeing real victory. For the longest time I
would try to well up thoughts and found myself frozen. A hindrance or a block
would come and I would sit there dumbfounded like I was watching a train wreck
and unable to stop it. Going back to the past and looking at how I got there,
at how subtle rejections built up over time to create this wall inside of me
has been one of the most freeing things I can imagine. Once I let go of that
pain it was like I took the first breathe in years. Now I am finding my mind
racing with thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions. I find I am able to not fear
things that once honestly froze me like a child. That is wonderful. It’s nice
to watch the Muppets and be reminded of some deep things today.
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