I think everyone of us is afraid of the light, when we really think we are afraid of the dark.

The false self is a strange man. He wears all of our masks upon his face. Yet he is a more convincing imposter than my real self could ever be. And I can play a pretty convincing pirate.

 The false self convinced me I was a different person than I was. As I told one of my best friends earlier, I pulled an Inception on myself. Everyone watched. Yet no one got the plot or applauded at the end. I couldn't even eat the stale popcorn on the theater floor afterwards. I merely played a story that was interesting but unresolved. I tricked everyone including myself into believing my fake reality was reality. Some said it was fun to watch, normally when I got hurt and didn't get mad at God. Yet they were usually just being nice because they still went home and thought about Breaking Bad and the doorknob that sticks rather than me. They didn't really like the story. Well, enough to watch it twice.

Happiness - The Fray

Rather than spinning a little top to see if I am living a lie, I've been turning to the Word of God. Sometimes I think 90% of the people who read what I write walk away when they read "Word of God." Posers. That's ok, I use fancier christian words sometimes. If people are afraid of big words, they will be afraid of me, or just tune out and think about money.

There is a verse in that dusty fabled book of old. Some people crack it open once a year, I am learning I need to once a minute. Ephesians says "For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light." I mean there are probably many other verses. Like a million of them. This one though talks about how we were once darkness.

Inception is a movie that intrigues me because it is about what happens when we fall asleep. Most of us place a natural and ruthless trust in reality. When I watch Braveheart I usually feel good inside. When I eat Lava Sauce at Taco Bell, I usually feel bad inside. Yet happy. That is reality if I have ever seen it. You can try to deny it but you will probably have to buy new clothes.

 Sometimes I sleep and there is a long-lost beautiful blonde haired girl who says she likes me and how I look and that I have too much stubble for just one day but that doesn't make me a terrible person. Sometimes I sleep and old friends and old fathers long passed embrace me, tell me that the journey didn't end with them, it began. Sometimes dreams are such intimate and emotional rollercoasters. I will never forget one dream I had years ago where a girl I had liked for a long time was getting married to the wrong man. We held each other as she and I wept. We knew that it was in too deep. It was the end. I woke up wondering why that dream shook me so much to my core. In fact my dreams often feel more real than life itself because the happiness is so raw and strong, the reconciliation of the past is so tangible, the hurt is so real. I will also never forget a dream where I was Spider-Man and I remember bricks and dynamite and possibly I was also Bruce Willis. I will cherish that.

Dreams invite us into this new and overwhelming reality that offers emotions, sights and sounds, the ability to fly.

Yet then I wake up. Sweaty. And sad.

Dreams are nice. It can feel good just to feel. In a broken cursed world where we watch people get shot on TV and feel a little bit of internal guilt that we are helpless to fight tragedy. When television has numbed our core and smart phones have made our personal relationships dependent on Wi-Fi. Inception asks that question each one of us thought about when we were five, "What if it's all just a dream?" And then we thought we were really smart for confusing ourselves at such a young age when Vanessa the six year old down the block obviously has it all together but has never transcended time and space with her solliqey.
Life is like Inception, we can trick ourselves so much that we forget who we are. That we forget who our real self is. It's hard to wake up from that. Sometimes it takes honesty, sometimes it takes a bucket of water, sometimes it takes looking at a three armed Indian man and thinking "This probably isn't realistic."

It's easy in our own darkness to believe anything. Darkness has no shape. For all I know, when the lights go out, Woody and Buzz do wake up and there is a monster in my closet. That would be nice, Taiwan has few energy drinks. Darkness is a land that can be more familar than light. Light is so hard, it shows us the dirt, the filth, the creepy man in the window with a cleaver. Light is hard. Yet it is beautiful. God tells us to walk in the light. He is light. It's wonderful what light adds to the darkness.

I think everyone of us is afraid of the light, when we really think we are afraid of the dark.

Some masks I wore until recently were quite heavy. To take them off took a brick and Jesus. The brick was a lot less gentle, but neccesary. Now as I look into the light my eyes are burning a little bit like when the lights get turned off after a lan party and it's seven in the morning. I am trying to keep them open as they scream with pain, adjusting to the beauty and glory. Taking in and feasting upon all the sights and beauty of this reality. Some pretty heavy masks are coming off. I'm learning...

I like running.

I like Soccer.

I am meant to speak in front of people, counsel hurting people, marry a sweet lass.

I am meant to be that brave single confrontational voice in the midst of compromise.

I am meant to walk with integrity.

I am meant to be fearless.

I like phones.

I like driving.

Video Games don't really interest me that much outside of the social interaction.

I love the stage, I could live there.

I am not worthless, inferior, weak, or timid.

I am not shy, I am a people person.

Those are the public ones, I have learned that I metaphorically shot the sheriff and killed the deputy when they were trying to help me. I ruined the best relationships in my life, I wasted so much time, I drank bitterness like Starbucks, smiled afterwards, and thought I was doing good. I lived a false self. As he is fading and I see my motives, my problems, the things I did, I am understanding all the more what I have done and who I am. I'm excited to see more of who I'm becoming.

Happiness - The Fray


Happiness was just outside my window
I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour
But happiness is a little more like knocking
On your door, you just let it in


Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone, not for good but for now
And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good


Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks


Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
But happiness has a violent roar


Happiness, it's like the old man told me
Look for it and you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home


Home, she'll be, she'll be, she'll be home
She'll be home, she'll be home, she'll be home
She will be home, she'll be home, she'll be home
She'll be home, she'll be

Into the Wild

Boston - Augustana

I keep sitting down trying to write. Mostly about Child abuse. It’s not as funny on paper as it is with voice inflection or the occasional song from Annie. Today I thought about a movie. Sometimes movies have stories that remind me of my own life, but mostly when they are about awkward boys who fall in love with awkward girls. Sometimes when the movies are about superheroes they also remind me of my life. In an inverse way, like the way seeing a car reminds me I don’t actually drive. Today I thought about a movie that I watched in Texas about a year and a half ago, it was sad. Everyone died. Well really only one character, but he was kinda the whole she-bang. It was called Into the Wild. Sometimes when I watch a movie I get absorbed into it and connect with everything. Every scene of romance reminds me of memories and kisses and cats that bite the skull, every scene of victory reminds me of those precious moments in life where I succeed. Normally at Halo but occasionally at something like falling down stairs.

During these films I invest myself into the world of the characters, I escape and become them, memories line up like little sailors and wave huzzah while looking for friends in the movie. When life is fun and dandy, a movie is quite the escape. When life is hard and people stop talking to me and I sweat all day and sometimes my bike tire goes flat, well then a movie can be quite an immense form of torture. Every moment aligns with a memory, much like songs with nice lyrics, and Ice Cream places like Coldstone. They call out from the past and invade the present. Today I thought about Into the Wild. In it, a bright young lad named Alexander Supertramp or possibly Christopher, decides to leave everything and wander. He wanders around and around. I haven’t seen the movie since I watched it about a year and a half ago on a white sofa that was kind of uncomfortable to sleep on. The whole movie came over me like a wave. It’s about that eternal search for something different, for purpose, and how sometimes in our best meaning ways we run from what is really important. After traveling the United States, Alex makes it too Alaska as a wandering Vagrant. There he discovers the meaning of his life, he understands everything, and then promptly dies.

Eddie Vedder - Society

It’s a bit like winning the lottery and getting hit by a car although that is cliché’. It’s more like finding out you were wrong all along and then dying sadly in the woods clutching that answer, perhaps with a bus as well. What makes it even sadder is the story is based on a true story. I don’t know what that means. I say stuff all the time that is based on a true story but occasionally unicorns get involved and in the muddled mess it perhaps lends itself to be less believable. Today I thought about Into the Wild, and Eddie Vedder. I don’t know what he looks like, but his song Society is quite musically pleasing to my ear canals.

After I watched that movie I hugged my best friend and we cried. He cried. I cried. It was a strange and tender moment as we both knew that I was going Into the Wild. It was the night before I would leave on my own journey. Although it did get delayed a few months, which made the somewhat infinite purpose of that night seem more emotional and dull then it should be. We talked though about this trip. I would leave friend and family, searching for a lot of things. Healing. Ministry. Jesus. I would leave behind more than I can say without going back to my base instinct of tearing up and feeling feminine. When I am really a man. A man who cries though. At that moment we both knew I wouldn’t come back the same, he wouldn’t come back the same, our whole world would change.

It did.

That night was one of those moments where I knew I couldn’t turn back, I ate pizza rolls and animal crackers covered in sticky frosting and wept. The stale pizza smell of a bachelors pad with tears and sweat is quite the combination.

Our whole world changed.

I found out strange things about myself, like I really like Curious George and California even though sometimes I tell people I don’t. I found out I love America. I had always thought I hated the land of the free. I know that is unpatriotic, so I am probably off of the watch-list because unpatriotic behavior is acceptable in America, but now I am on it cause I really like America. I think that is where I belong sometimes. I know I’m not supposed to say that. But I did. I really developed a compassion for my own people. Strange I know. It’s not the first time I’ve heard of it, I know a Mexican from Colorado who had a similar experience in Uganda.

That was the start of a strange journey. I have now come to the end of myself. A mumble mumble friend of mine prayed that this year would be the most healing time in my life. For about 9 months that didn’t seem to be so. I had lost a lot, been hurt a lot, kicked out of houses, and I also was really bad at Jenga. Yet… In an ironic twist of fate. I only say ironic cause it’s what people say when this stuff happens. Really I just think God is a funny God. He’s hilarious. He healed me with the deepest wound I could have never asked for. My father figure passed away, yet I found the grace to move on and heal. I found the grace to ultimately allow God to bestow masculinity on me when I thought that was the job of someone I would never find. I lost friends that I thought I would have forever. Three months ago my own filth and trouble confronted me. I had become bitter, arrogant, and ultimately had refused to let God heal me from a wound struck against me two years ago. Getting into that wound was the first piece of an indescribable process. Two months ago, I was brought to my knees and there found a strength in Christ that has me giggling like a school girl. And sometimes I also feel like Eyore. I also can’t spell the name of most fictional donkeys, except for the one from Shrek, Donkey. In all this God has restored me, made me myself once again. It’s so sad to see the wreckage that I made of my life by living out a false self. I was fearful, timid, passive, and jaded.

Lifted Me Out – Chris Tomlin

Most missionaries aren’t supposed to be those qualities. I think this is right. Yet I was and yet God still used me. That was nice. It’s good to know God takes weak little boys and lets them do man things. Like use hammers and tell people about there eternal destiny. So I am a new man these days. Maybe not even knew, maybe I am just who I was before I was wounded. The irony was God had to wound me in the same place I had been wounded before. It’s ironic except I guess we break jaws to make them beautiful sometimes so it makes sense if you’ve ever drank food out of a straw for six weeks. Today I walked into a thunder storm and asked God in my head to show me His wonder. I asked Him to show me He is big. I think before I would rather just think He is big and never really get shown that, cause it’s kind of scary and when I was twelve my Mickey Mouse lamp exploded and electrocuted me.

So what do you do with your life when you finally look at yourself two years later and say, “Aha! I got it!”? I kind of hope I don’t have to die in a bus eating berries. That is hard. Yet it is not unreasonable. I have learned to live with silence, extreme isolation, illiteracy, food I can’t really understand, and few friends on a Saturday night. I have learned so much, overcame things that once held me back. It feels good. It feels nice to look at the scale and see it says 95 KG instead of 112 KG. I didn’t even have to eat only subway like Jared did.

For me I guess I have lived the life of Alexander Supertramp. I ran 12,000 miles away from home. I explored, lead people to Jesus, and now I have finally seen my lesson. I have cut it into the wooden board above my cabin. I have learned my name. It isn’t such a big name, and perhaps I still have nicknames left, but I have learned who I am. I have learned I am a man, a good man, a man of God. I have learned that despite my failures, insecurities, and stubbornness that God gave me a new life, spirit, and sees me as His son. It’s pretty nice to know that I can probably play catch with Him.

It cost me my own heart to get it back. It cost my life to gain. I lost everything. Yet in that everything was found. I stand here at the end of myself, wondering if there is anything left. God is funny. Maybe He will do more funny stuff. Doesn’t matter though, the fact is I am ready for life, excited, and I have another challenge left. One more test of integrity, grace, and growth. Now I’m asking myself, not what do I need to do, but what makes me come alive. 

So awesome!!!! Our old student from SYME got saved at SYME, went to America, and Led his FIRST person to Christ!!!! So wonderful to have been his teacher and see that Paul Lin is becoming such a man. Check that, he IS a man! It's so cool to see fruit like this in ministry. I am excited to see where Paul goes on from here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iWnuZy69MY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sing like nobodies listening

There is something in me that is passive. I am now gathering all my strength to overcome and slay that subtle force. It's strange to hear people say that I am this person on an incredible journey. I am of course 12,000 miles away but I am still deeply intertwined with more issues and passivity then I had ever known. As the weeks have gone on I have started reclaiming my masculine heart. It's a strange thought. In a country where effeminate is more common and I am surrounded by over 30 female 

students I am finding my masculinity. 

"He is jealous for me, love like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me... Ever have one of those cabin fever days where you feel like your chomping at the bit? Nice to know that I loved."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

I am finding my honesty. 

The truth is I could be incredible hollow and put up walls. Yet, I no longer need that. People can judge me as much as they wish but my blinders are down and my heart is free. My heart is opening.

What I'm Learning:

There is this lie in our culture that we are supposed to just suck it up. Be it our christian culture or our even our macho strong man American culture. While there is definitely balance to our past I'm learning that the stings I have from my life are not small nor unimportant. Rather they are wounds that I thought I gave to God yet never really did. I'll be honest…

I was told my voice was awful, so I hate ACTUALLY singing. I usually sing bad to not set myself up for defeat.

I was told I was undependable and that cut deep.

I was told I was a boy, long after I felt like I should be a man. Yet no one bestowed masculinity upon me, they only robbed me of it.

I am afraid of driving. It is a deep rooted fear.

I was molested as a kid. By over 5-8 different people, in many different circumstances.

I was hooked on pornography by age seven.

I was hit sometimes for things that no child should be slapped for.

I have to live with the consequences of a divorce, yet I never really dwelled on how painful and wrong the separation of divorce really is.

I was taken away and forced to live at another house for six months. Technically I was kidnapped and forced to choose between two parents. 

I was often screamed at by alcoholics, forced to go outside, and compared to other children in light of how much better they are.

I was beat up in my neighborhood by Chinese kids, by black kids, by mexican kids, by white kids too. Yet I was a strange victim of racism in the midst of the ghetto.

I had over nine horrible men who took the place of a surrogate father yet were practically the most awful wounding men I can recall. 

I saw the terrible pain of alcoholism, drugs, and such as it tore apart family and friends.

That's the tip of the iceberg, but now I can finally speak it out loud.

For years though… I took all of this. ALL of it. I bore it on myself. I felt it was my cross to bear the child abuse, the addictions forced upon me, the backward living and painful standards. So here I am today finally sticking that key into the rusty shackles that have been cutting into my wrist. I am finally pulling out these weeds. I am becoming a man. I am healing. I am being freed in ways I cannot imagine.

I couldn't admit any of that. It's not public. It's implied. A few people know snippets. Yet I am coming clean, washing myself in honesty. I am breaking the passivity and reclaiming my masculinity and shouting from the mountains and rooftops that what happened to me was…

WRONG.

And that is such a relief to even breath.

I am breaking the silence and I do not want it to be a reflection upon my family or friends. 95% of the time it was not a relative who proclaimed any of this. Rather it is a reflection of the redemptive grace of God.

There is so much more, if anyone cares to know, I will gladly share. Yet what I am really learning is to let go of the pain. To dig deep and uncover all this dirt and filth. In a couple of weeks I will have dug it all up, yet it can be exhausting to record and detail these things. 

I have a new name. God promises that when I get to heaven He has already picked out this white stone with a name so precious I can't hear it until I arrive up there. Sometimes I wonder what it is. Is it big? Is it short?

Jacob the beloved

Jacob the pure,

He who overcame

The beloved son

The funny one

The counselor

2nd Corinthians 1:3-7 says that all of this junk, trash, bad past is used by Christ so that I can comfort others. Bring them alongside and help them heal and be comforted. Oh life is FREAKING BEAUTIFUL! It's gorgeous, I am so excited for now. Instead of tomorrow. For once I'm excited for the now.

Who knows… yet I would be an absolute fool to cling to my old name in light of the identity Christ is offering me. A good old friend once shared with me, Joel 2. God promises that He will restore the years the locusts have eaten and taken away. In my life there are years I lost. I grew up to fast, yet I never grew up at all. I was thrust into this strange child-like stage where I feared things that normally kids get excited about. I grew to hate sports and competition, I lost my killer spirit, I was abandoned, betrayed, and wounded. Yet God is slowly releasing me from that past. It's beautiful! The difference is night and day as I run and exercise, grin and laugh, and embrace the true identity that Christ has given me. It is so wonderful, beautiful, and incredible. 

I AM a child of the King. I am a son of God. I am adopted into the family of the greatest one. I am adopted into the Kingdom of Christ. I am set apart. I am loved more than most people will ever realize, understand, or truly know. I am loved. That to me is wonderful.

Healing...

It wasn't until these last three months I could finally face my past. As I did the large amount of gangrene in my heart and mind presented itself.

When I was a kid things happened that I ignored. Perhaps I cannot share everything but I will say that working through them has taken away things that I thought were deeply rooted in my personality. That in fact were not. Like being an introvert, the fear of man, my hate of phones, my fear of failure, rejection, and relationships. I'm chomping at the bit to tell people, help them heal, and like learn with them. It's been pretty awesome. I'm writing about it but I'm currently rediscovering my masculinity. I am finding I can run without growing weary, I can exercise, I can preach. It's been a pretty awesome time in my life. Alas I am merely expressing, for I cannot put it all into words until after I am done with my healing process. I can say I have a lot to apologize for but even more to not feel sorry about :)

My dearest ferret, I know how much you love the wind and air blowing through your fur. I know you even bought a bike just to join me, but where I am going. You cannot follow. I will be back soon. Until then remember to eat your twizzlers. Do not weep for me, for I will come back a changed and sweaty man. I remember when you were just a little kit. Ride hard in your own backyard, and maybe one day we will head south into the sunset together. 

Always Truly,

The ferret whisperer

Faithfulness

Faithfulness must be followed by more faithfulness, Lou Nicholes wrote about that this week, how being faithful and following God for 20 years doesn't mean you can stop... take a break... get away and stop doing good things. Rather faithfulness in and of itself must remain, continue, and grow.

I am guilty of feeling like I've arrived. Coasting from moment to moment on verses I read far too long ago, sermons I watched too long ago. "Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." - Proverbs 3:7-8. It's funny how I never "Thought" I was wise in my own eyes. Yet I'm learning that all those days I didn't get up early to read the bible, all those times I didn't memorize scripture, all those times I didn't go to church... I was ultimately taking the first fruits of my life from God. God calls us to absolute dependance on Him. Yet I would enable my laziness by justifying "I can do my quiet time at night, because it doesn't make me any more spiritual to do it in the morning." Well, it's not true for everyone but for me...

IT DOES! I enable my laziness, I enable my selfishness, I let video games and TV cloud me in ways I never should have. I am amazed at how much I let slide. How much I rested my laurels on the past and what I had accomplished before. I'm learning that no matter where we're at. It's not about the spirituality of yesterday, the good camp experience, the job you loved, the place you loved. It's about the now and reaching out to the loving and healing arms of our redeemer Christ. That is teaching me so much.

Kari Jobe - Your my healer

VERSE:
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease

PRE-CHORUS:
I trust in You
I trust in You

CHORUS:
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

VERSE:
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease

PRE-CHORUS:
I trust in You
Lord, I trust in You

CHORUS:
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

BRIDGE:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

CHORUS:
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh yes You are, yes You are
I believe You're my portion
Lord, I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need

ENDING:
You're my Healer, my Healer